第141章

  “My strength is quite failing me，” I said in a soliloquy. “I feel I cannot go much farther. Shall I be an outcast again this night? While the rain descends so， must I lay my head on the cold， drenched ground? I fear I cannot do otherwise: for who will receive me? But it will be very dreadful， with this feeling of hunger， faintness， chill， and this sense of desolation—this total prostration of hope. In all likelihood， though， I should die before morning. And why cannot I reconcile myself to the prospect of death? Why do I struggle to retain a valueless life? Because I know， or believe， Mr. Rochester is living: and then， to die of want and cold is a fate to which nature cannot submit passively. Oh， Providence！ sustain me a little longer！ Aid！—direct me！”

  My glazed eye wandered over the dim and misty landscape. I saw I had strayed far from the village: it was quite out of sight. The very cultivation surrounding it had disappeared. I had， by cross-ways and by-paths， once more drawn near the tract of moorland;and now， only a few fields， almost as wild and unproductive as the heath from which they were scarcely reclaimed， lay between me and the dusky hill.
  “Well， I would rather die yonder than in a street or on a frequented road，” I reflected. “And far better that crows and ravens—if any ravens there be in these regions—should pick my flesh from my bones， than that they should be prisoned in a workhouse coffin and moulder in a pauper’s grave.”

  To the hill， then， I turned. I reached it. It remained now only to find a hollow where I could lie down， and feel at least hidden， if not secure. But all the surface of the waste looked level. It showed no variation but of tint: green， where rush and moss overgrew the marshes; black， where the dry soil bore only heath. Dark as it was getting， I could still see these changes， though but as mere alternations of light and shade; for colour had faded with the daylight.
  My eye still roved over the sullen swell and along the moor-edge， vanishing amidst the wildest scenery， when at one dim point， far in among the marshes and the ridges， a light sprang up.“That is an ignis fatuus，” was my first thought; and I expected it would soon vanish. It burnt on， however， quite steadily， neither receding nor advancing. “Is it， then， a bonfire just kindled?” I questioned. I watched to see whether it would spread: but no; as it did not diminish， so it did not enlarge. “It may be a candle in a house，” I then conjectured;“but if so， I can never reach it. It is much too far away: and were it within a yard of me， what would it avail? I should but knock at the door to have it shut in my face.”And I sank down where I stood， and hid my face against the ground. I lay still a while: the night-wind swept over the hill and over me， and died moaning in the distance; the rain fell fast， wetting me afresh to the skin. Could I but have stiffened to the still frost—the friendly numbness of death—it might have pelted on; I should not have felt it; but my yet living flesh shuddered at its chilling influence. I rose ere long.
  The light was yet there， shining dim but constant through the rain. I tried to walk again: I dragged my exhausted limbs slowly towards it. It led me aslant over the hill， through a wide bog， which would have been impassable in winter， and was splashy and shaking even now， in the height of summer. Here I fell twice; but as often I rose and rallied my faculties. This light was my forlorn hope: I must gain it.
  Having crossed the marsh， I saw a trace of white over the moor. I approached it; it was a road or a track: it led straight up to the light， which now beamed from a sort of knoll， amidst a clump of trees—firs， apparently， from what I could distinguish of the character of their forms and foliage through the gloom. My star vanished as I drew near: some obstacle had intervened between me and it. I put out my hand to feel the dark mass before me: I discriminated the rough stones of a low wall—above it， something like palisades， and within， a high and prickly hedge. I groped on. Again a whitish object gleamed before me: it was a gate—a wicket;it moved on its hinges as I touched it. On each side stood a sable bush-holly or yew.
  Entering the gate and passing the shrubs， the silhouette of a house rose to view， black， low， and rather long; but the guiding light shone nowhere. All was obscurity. Were the inmates retired to rest? I feared it must be so. In seeking the door， I turned an angle: there shot out the friendly gleam again， from the lozengedpanes of a very small latticed window， within a foot of the ground， made still smaller by the growth of ivy or some other creeping plant， whose leaves clustered thick over the portion of the house wall in which it was set. The aperture was so screened and narrow， that curtain or shutter had been deemed unnecessary;and when I stooped down and put aside the spray of foliage shooting over it， I could see all within. I could see clearly a room with a sanded floor， clean scoured; a dresser of walnut， with pewter plates ranged in rows， reflecting the redness and radiance of a glowing peat-fire. I could see a clock， a white deal table， some chairs. The candle， whose ray had been my beacon， burnt on the table; and by its light an elderly woman， somewhat rough-looking， but scrupulously clean， like all about her， was knitting a stocking.
  I noticed these objects cursorily only—in them there wasnothing extraordinary. A group of more interest appeared near the hearth， sitting still amidst the rosy peace and warmth suffusing it. Two young， graceful women—ladies in every point—sat， one in a low rocking-chair， the other on a lower stool; both wore deep mourning of crape and bombazeen， which sombre garb singularly set off very fair necks and faces: a large old pointer dog rested its massive head on the knee of one girl—in the lap of the other was cushioned a black cat.
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